The first thing I believe it's important to strip away is the stereotype that all D/s relationships are abusive. That the only reason someone would choose to Dominate another person is because they are cruel and heartless. I take great offense to that sentiment, both personally, as well as on behalf of the group of wonderful caring Doms I know who take the responsibility of caring for a sub very seriously.
In truth, most Dom-sub unions are
between consenting adults whose physical, sexual and emotional needs are met through this type of power exchange. Many Dom/sub unions are long term, committed relationships and most Doms I've met are deeply interested in the recognizing and meeting the needs of their sub.
What most people outside the world don't seem to understand is that a Dom needs a sub, and one who is in touch with that fact, not only makes caring for his sub his top priority, but his gratitude and appreciation towards the person who willingly chooses to lay down their will for said Dom's, is immeasurable.
The BDSM world is not a seedy underground of degenerates. They are the married couple next door. The guy at the hardware store, the woman in the cubicle across from you. We are average everyday people who simply have come to some realization of how to best meet our needs and even though this is outside the "norm" we are brave enough to go after it anyway.
Yes, there is abuse in the world of BDSM... perhaps you should sit down for this next part... there is also abuse outside the world of BDSM.
Abuse is insidious and we see it everywhere, but in the same way it is wrong to conjugate pedophile with gay, it's just as wrong to assume Dom means abuser and sub means weak and/or abused.
I will tell you from personal experience, I was never as strong in my life as the few years I spent as a sub. That relationship taught me what it meant to be strong. I'm submissive by nature, it's how I was created. For me, I found being a sub gave me a place to channel that energy where it wasn't a negative, it was a plus!
My Dom adored me.
He never took advantage of me.
I gave him the one thing he needed most, that in our society today it is not acceptable to ask for, I gave him the gift of my submission and he respected that. He did not abuse me. He taught me. He guided me, he disciplined me when necessary, but the high level of communication that is required of these relationships to work and work well meant that we both knew what to expect and where the limits were before hand. We both respected one another and the roles we each played in this relationship. We were equals. We just each accepted the roles we were most comfortable with and strongest in.
One of the reasons I love being a voice in the BDSM world is because I've seen how it works when it works well and it can be a beautiful, perfect relationship of needs being met, brokeness finding it's match and transforming into wholeness, souls being mended, and strength given.
When I write, about BDSM, or anything else, either in my books, in forums, here, or on my blogs, my intention is always to make people "think", hopefully become more self aware, and enable them to make healthy decisions for their lives.
I do NOT glorify abuse in any form.
Abuse sickens me. It is evil as it strips something essential from the soul of that who is being abused and changes them into something they were never intended to be. Abuse is murder of the spirit and there is a huge difference between that and someone who finds pleasure in the act of submission, bondage, spanking, or even further degrees of sadomasochism.
As my life's mission is to help people find their truth, be exactly who they were meant to be and live authentically, it would therefore stand to reason that I would not be an advocate for abuse.
In our culture today we are too narrow focused. I understand we all have a lot on our plates, but if you do not have the time nor bandwidth to ask questions with an open mind, research something and discover it's truth, then you should not have the time nor bandwidth to judge carelessly and make statements that hurt people.
The world of BDSM is not a one dimensional, stereotypical display of human sexuality. It is immense with depth, layers of colors and many, many outcomes. If you wish to understand it better, then do some research, be ready to actually listen to those who live it, and proceed with caution. If you have no interest, if nothing about it resonates in your soul, then leave it be and move on, but you have no right judging it, so please refrain from putting your views on good people who find peace, solace, satisfaction and even love within these bounds. We all thank you.
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